Sour Encouragement

A few months ago, I saw a social media post that concerned me. So, me being me, I messaged the friend who posted it. I referred to the post and asked if everything was okay. My friend quickly confided in me, telling me that her husband had done something incredibly hurtful and had damaged their relationship to its core. I was heartbroken for her.

As we chatted, she offered details and talked about the hurt, a hurt she hadn’t shared with anyone until I asked. I offered an empathetic shoulder for her to lean against, proverbially, seeing as how we were hundreds of miles apart. Truth be told, it was a heart wrenching experience, especially since I’d known her husband my entire life, or so I thought. I wanted to offer her some encouragement, but shock and devastation left me speechless. All I could really manage was to tell her I would be praying for her.

As the days and weeks went on, I checked in on my friend. I asked how she was doing, but generally did not ask about the situation. Perhaps that seems strange, but my concern was for her mental health, not the situation she was dealing with. Of course, I wanted to know how that was going for her, but I didn’t want my encouragement to be just about that. Thankfully, she usually answered with both how she was doing and how things were going at home. She was sad, but okay, while the situation at home was just sad.

One day, several weeks later, God laid it on my heart to check in with her. It wasn’t long after my message that my phone lit up with her reply. Unfortunately, nothing had changed. She was still hurting, and the situation had not improved. I admit, I was angry that my friend was still dealing with the situation, and, in those first moments, I had some not so nice thoughts about her husband.

Irritated on her behalf, I started to type a response to her message, but something … or rather Someone … made me erase it. You see, I was all prepared to defend my friend by calling her husband an idiot, but God brought to mind an account I had recently heard.

An evangelist was in a certain city for a conference and met a person who claimed to be “spiritual too”. The person went on to talk up a storm, using every bit of foul language there was to use. Finally, realizing she was cussing a lot, she stopped and said, “I guess I probably shouldn’t cuss, but I’m pretty sure God cusses too”. Upon hearing that, the evangelist, defending God’s honor, sternly said, “God. Does. Not. Cuss.”, to which another evangelist in the conversation quickly added, “but He loves people who do”. 

Recalling that account made me realize that my first response of, “I am sorry your husband is such an idiot” wasn’t really accurate or helpful. I realized that God loved my friend’s husband just as much as any of us. Following the rules and trying to be as good as we can be, does not make God love us any more than He loves anyone else. It couldn’t, because there’s nothing we can do to earn God’s love.

While I despised the injustice and wanted to scream “HOW COULD YOU” to the man who caused my friend such pain, God was saying, “I love you”. God wasn’t happy with the man’s choices, neither was God happy with my thoughts about his choices. There is no degree of sin to God which is how He can love us all equally. 

God doesn’t love anyone less because of their sin. Instead, God is there, loving us and waiting to forgive each and every repentant heart when it asks. He values His relationship with us and that relationship can’t be right until we repent and seek forgiveness. It’s like a pebble in a shoe. Yes, we can walk around with it in there, but it will never feel right or comfortable until it is removed, just like sin in the heart.

After having this humbling revelation, I considered what my response to my friend should be. It occurred to me that saying anything bad about her husband did not do her any good. In fact, it would likely do her harm in the battlefield of her mind. It would breed even more discontent and possibly cause her to stumble in her journey of forgiveness. After all, forgiving her husband is what she needed to do to make things better for herself and I knew that wouldn’t be easy, especially if I said things to hinder her.

Because I tend to see everything as black or white, right or wrong, yes or no, it’s often difficult to remember that sometymes ‘why’ something was done is more important than what was done. In this situation, I realized that taking my friend’s side, or even recognizing that there were sides in the situation, was really just sour encouragement. It was like milk that was in date, but, when poured out, smelled really bad and was not useable. (After all, I was helping a friend, not baking an Amish Spice Cake. This recipe did not call for sour milk.)

So, instead of responding in a negative way, I simply said, “I’m sorry for the way your husband is acting”. I concluded by telling her I would pray and ask God to reach her husband and restore him and that I would pray for her patience and peace. And I meant it.  

The fact is, we all make mistakes. While some mistakes are more hurtful and harder to understand than others, how we choose to deal with each mistake, whether they are ours or someone else’s, is up to us. We have the power to apologize for our mistakes. We have the power to forgive the mistakes of others. We have the power to pray and ask God for the best possible way to look at a situation so we can offer encouragement for those trying to forgive mistakes. 

We all want to see our friends and family happy and healthy, and we have a great deal of influence in helping with that through our encouragement. It’s been said that the three things we should check before we speak (or text) are: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it helpful?  I know for me, my encouragement in the past, while given with the best intentions, wasn’t always given in the most helpful way. 

So, the next tyme you have the opportunity to offer encouragement, I hope you will remember my humbling experience and consider the encouragement you are about to pour into your friend and the situation. Is your encouragement fresh or sour? Will it help or hinder? Is it coming from a place of God-focused wisdom or a place of emotional injustice? I know I learned a valuable lesson in this regard (one that I am sure I will learn again as tyme goes on) and I am grateful that God loves each of us enough to teach, convict and love us like He does…even when our words go sour.