Sour Encouragement

 Blog - Sour Encouragement

A few months ago, I saw a social media post a friend made and it concerned me. So, me being me, I message my friend to ask if everything was okay. My friend questioned why I was asking and then, when I explained about seeing the post, she confided in me that her husband had done something incredibly hurtful and had damaged their relationship to its core. I was heartbroken for her.

We chatted a little while. She offered details and talked about the hurt, a hurt she had not yet shared with anyone until I asked. I offered an empathetic shoulder for her to lean against, proverbially, seeing as how we were hundreds of miles apart. Truth be told, it was a heart wrenching experience, especially since I’d known her husband my entire life. I was shocked and devastated, for her of course, but also for myself in regard to my ability to recognize integrity in people.

As we ended our conversation, I tried to leave her with some parting encouragement. While it is likely that I failed miserably, my intentions were sincere and I hoped that alone would, if nothing else, lift my friend’s spirits. It was all just so shocking. 

As tyme went on, I would check in on my friend and ask how she was doing, but never how things were going. Perhaps that seems strange, but my concern was for her, not the situation. Of course, I wanted to know how that was going for her, but I didn’t want it to be just about that. Thankfully, she usually answered with both how she was doing and how things were going at home. She seemed sad, yet okay, but the situation at home was just sad.

As life does, it got busier for me and I started going through some trials of my own and, while I thought often of my friend, my check-ins became less frequent. I knew my friend had a good head on her shoulders and a heart filled with the love of and love for God and so I tended to my own trials while lifting her up in thought and prayer during hers. 

Then the other day, God kept laying it on my heart to check in with her. I didn’t notice it at first, but as the day went on, I realized she kept coming to mind and, though I have to relearn it a lot, I have learned that when such happens, God is asking me to do something. So, after being asked several tymes, I finally heard Him and I picked up my phone and messaged my friend.

It wasn’t long before my phone held my friend’s reply. Fortunately, her reply answered both the “how are you” and “how are things going” questions without me asking the latter. Thankfully, though still hurting, my friend was doing okay, but sadly, the situation had not improved. I have to admit, I was angry that my friend was still dealing with the situation and, in those initial moments, I had some not so nice thoughts about her husband.

As I prepared my response to her, my initial message started with, “I am sorry your husband is such an idiot”, but something made me erase that thought. I had recently listened to a sermon by an evangelist where she talked about how she was in a certain city for a conference and she and another evangelist decided to go shopping during their down tyme. They went to a store where they encountered a clerk who asked why they were in town and when they answered, the clerk claimed to be “spiritual too”. Then, the clerk started talking up a storm, using every bit of foul language there was to use. Finally, realizing she was cussing a lot, she stopped and said, “I guess I probably shouldn’t cuss, but I’m pretty sure God cusses too”. Upon hearing that, the first evangelist said she leaned in on the counter, prepared to defend God’s honor, and in a stern voice said, “God…does not cuss”, to which the other evangelist quickly added, “but He loves people who do”. 

As I erased my, “I am sorry your husband is such an idiot” statement, I thought of that account from the evangelist and I had a humbling moment. God loves my friend’s husband just as much as he loves her or me or anyone. Me following the rules and trying to be as good as I can be does not make God love me any more than He does anyone else. It couldn’t. Nothing I have or haven’t done, nor nothing I can or could do will make God love me more or less, and that is the same for my friend’s husband and my friend. 

You see, my friend’s husband did something really hurtful to my friend and that caused the part of my brain that despises injustice to go into “HOW COULD YOU?!?” mode. My friend’s husband broke the rules and he hurt someone, on purpose! He chose to do it! But his choosing to do something so hurtful to my friend is no greater sin than me having a bad thought about him because of it. There is no degree of sin to God which is how He can love us all the same way. 

God still loves my friend’s husband as much as he ever did. Is God happy with what the man chose to do? No. Does God require repentance from the man to make things right and have the sin forgiven? Yes. But the truth of the matter is, God requires repentance from me for my ill thoughts about the man (which for the record, I have taken care of). Does God love anyone less because of their sin? No. God is there, ready and waiting to forgive each and every repentant heart when it asks because He values His relationship with us and that relationship isn’t right until the sin is forgiven. It’s like a pebble in your shoe, yes, you can walk around with it in there, but it will never feel right or comfortable until it is removed, just like sin in the heart.

After having this humbling revelation, I considered what my response to my friend should be. It occurred to me that saying anything bad about her husband did not do her any good. In fact, it would do her harm in the battlefield of her mind. It would breed even more discontentment for her and possibly cause her to stumble in her journey of forgiveness. After all, forgiving her husband is what she had to do to make things better for herself and I knew that couldn’t be easy. 

You see, I tend to see everything as black and white, right and wrong, yes or no; and while those lines do exist, sometymes ‘the why’ something was done is more important than what was done. In this situation, I realized that taking my friend’s side, or even recognizing that there were sides in the situation, was really just sour encouragement. It was like milk that was in date, but, when poured out, smelled really bad and was not useful in the situation. (After all, I was helping a friend, not baking an Amish Spice Cake or anything, so no sour milk was needed.)

So, my response back started off with, “I’m sorry for the way your husband is acting”, and I continued with what I thought might be driving his actions. I concluded by telling her I would pray and ask God to reach her husband and restore him and that I would pray for her patience and peace. And I meant it.  

The truth of the matter is, we all make mistakes. While some mistakes are more hurtful and harder to understand than others, how we choose to handle each mistake, whether they are ours or someone else’s, is up to us. We have the power to apologize for our mistakes. We have the power to forgive the mistakes of others. We have the power to pray and ask God for the best possible way to look at a situation so we can offer encouragement for those trying to forgive mistakes. 

We all want to see our friends and family happy and healthy and we have a great deal of influence in helping with that through our encouragement. It’s been said that the three things we should check before we speak (or text) are: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it helpful?  I know for me, my encouragement in the past, while given with the best intentions, wasn’t given in the most helpful way. 

The next tyme you have the opportunity to offer encouragement, I hope you will remember this humbling experience and consider the encouragement you are about to pour into your friend and her situation. Is your encouragement good or sour? Will it help or hinder? Is it coming from a place of God focused wisdom or a place of emotional injustice? I know I learned a valuable lesson in this regard (one that I am sure I will have to relearn as tyme goes on) and I am grateful that God loves each of us enough to teach, convict and love us like He does…even when we don’t always get it right and try again!